What He Did To Me

In 2022 I took an introduction to print making course in university, and upon finishing a prior project ahead of schedule, the professor was going to give me a bonus project, but instead made that the next class project. By this time, in my personal life, I had come to accept that I was raped back in 2020, and decided to use this project to explore this. I wanted to use images to express my emotions and the harshness of the incident. I had several ideas as to what I could do, many including gory images, with some even depicting the rape itself. Eventually, I decided that, instead of focusing on one singular image, and one singular aspect of my emotional state, I’d instead use multiple images. I asked my professor if I could use these images in the project, images of sexual assault, guts and entrails. To my surprise, he approved my ideas, and encouraged me to dig deep for this piece. 

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I first started thinking of this piece on my long drives between home and campus. I would often disassociate during these drives, and would have all sorts of visions. Many of these visions would be used as images for this piece. Other images were thought up of as ways to visualize how I felt at the time. The sketch process saw me visualizing these images in a corporeal form. I was in university for graphic design, and used that understanding to help with layout. I was very happy with a layout that overwhelmed the viewer, with no definitive hierarchy. This was very intentional, as no particular feeling had weight over another, and they often blended together. Repetition of a particular image was important. 

 

This one particular image was extremely important to me, The Commodity. The Commodity depicts a rabbit packaged like meat, on a styrofoam plate wrapped in plastic with a price sticker on the wrapping. There is more to than just flight and fight, most are also aware of freeze, but there is also fawn. I fawn, and that means I try to please and reduce the harm done to myself. This response was learned from various past experiences, and they seemingly primed me to fawn in the moment, making it easier for my rapist. He was able to take what he wanted from me like I was a product on a store shelf. Thus, The Commodity represents how I was primed to be abused, primed to be used, primed to be harmed by others, amongst other feelings present at the time. If I could not do the whole image as I wanted, I would have at least made The Commodity. 

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The Commodity would go on to become a reoccurring image in my work, so much so I decided to make it my personal logo.